Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

An appeal

I don't usually ask for help, but this time I don't have any choice. Two weeks ago, my SO's father killed himself, suddenly and unexpectedly and, even now, for no reason any of us can figure out. I've just spent those two weeks in New Jersey trying to help them sort out the legal and financial affairs, and we're both completely shellshocked and devastated here on top of all the procedural crap. Here's the rundown of financial facts:

-There's no life insurance
-The house is under water and on a reverse mortgage (more on this further down)
-The 401K's have all been drained
-$10,000 in back taxes owed
-There is no money, at all

On top of this, his widow has been mentally deteriorating for years now and can neither live alone nor can live with any of her children, none of whom have the space or are there all day to provide her the care she needs. The trauma of this event--she was there when it happened, in the house, trying to stop him--has accelerated her decline dramatically and she needs professional care. However, in most states her social security income is both woefully inadequate to pay for care and too high to qualify her for aid, because hey, I guess in the good ol' USA old ladies with dementia are also supposed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, idek. I would be more furious if I had the energy for it.

Additionally, if the house sells for less than its appraised value--which it will, because who the hell wants to live in a house where something like this happened--she loses progressively more months of medicaid eligibility depending on how far under it sells for.

And even if she somehow kept her medicaid eligibility AND they were willing to cover her care--which they probably aren't--that 'care' would amount to them sticking her in a state-run institution, which is very close to being a prison. The only way out of this is to spend a lot of money now to get her situated somewhere nice, let the money run out, and bank on the government being reluctant to uproot and move her. But spending a lot of money requires having a lot of money, which we don't.

Add to this the fact that legally in NJ this kind of event requires sanctioned crime scene cleanup which charged such a grotesque amount of money I can't even type it out, and the fact that in order to keep the SO's mom from completely losing everything she had left I and the SO had to take on her two sick cats, both of which are chronically ill and one of which has diabetes, and build an outbuilding to house them in which runs somewhere around $5000 all told, and the SO's incoming MRI bill for unrelated medical problems on our end, and the fact that I had to spend almost my entire savings on last minute plane tickets to fly us out there when it was all I had to live off of for the next six months... and we are pretty fucking squarely screwed--me, the SO, his brother and his wife, their mom, the cats, everyone.

It is the perfect storm of misery and horrible life choices, and I need help, we need help. We need money to pay their bills, to pay the mortgage long enough to sell the house, to pay the backtaxes, to pay the ripoff cleanup people. We need money to guarantee their mother's care. We need money to pay our own medical bills, to pay for the cats' housing and bills, and I need money to fucking eat.

I know times are rough all around, and I know tragedies like this are happening every fucking day, but if you can help by donating even a tiny amount, I am swallowing my pride and asking. My paypal is etherati@gmail.com. If you can't, then if you could just pass this along I would really appreciate it. I really appreciate anyone even just reading this all the way to the end.

Thank you all.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 23rd, 2012 01:34 am (UTC)
Oh christ. I am so sorry! I wish I could help but I am in a hole myself here. Please keep us updated.
May. 23rd, 2012 01:46 pm (UTC)
Hi. I paypay'd you. I also put up this post (http://kitewithfish.dreamwidth.org/380942.html) at my DW and LJ for a signal boost. Please let me know if it goes into too much or if you'd like it taken down.
May. 23rd, 2012 04:51 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear all you're struggling with! I pp'ed what we could, wish it was more. Please update with how you get on!
May. 23rd, 2012 07:10 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure how NJ works, but my mother was correctly diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder after decades of being labeled depressed. At the same time, she and her husband divorced. The government now pays her rent at an income-based apartment and helps cover her meds, counseling, etc.. There may be a chance your SO's mom could be eligible for something like that: assisted living in an apartment rather than institutionalization, plus help with her medical costs. I have no idea how the finances between my mom and stepdad were at the time of the divorce, but I know my mom doesn't work, receives medicaid, and hasn't been institutionalized despite how dangerous she was to herself and others when she was diagnosed because her therapy and meds have kept her mellow since. I don't know if anything I have to say here helps, but I hope things in your state aren't so different; they shouldn't need to put your SO's mom away or make the family pay for everything. She should be entitled to help with rent and meds from the government.
Jun. 5th, 2012 11:19 pm (UTC)
anon, what state does she live in? That makes a huge difference.
Jun. 7th, 2012 04:37 am (UTC)
I know, and I admitted in my first sentence I'm ignorant of the ways of the state this woman (Etherati's SO's mom) lives in. I really hope her state has some assisted living option. If it's between institutionalization or the family pays for everything...that just sounds wrong to me. Anyway, my mom
lives in Missouri.
One factor could also be whether or not this woman's been diagnosed with a disorder, which is why I mentioned my mom's background. I doubt she'd be deemed unfit to work and have her rent, meds, etc., paid for by the government if she was still considered "depressed" (which she had been for decades).
Jun. 30th, 2012 06:15 pm (UTC)
Same anon as before. I read the situation update elsewhere. Unfortunate that the SO's mom has to relocate, but I'm very glad to hear she found a place that'll keep her mostly covered.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )